There, I said it.
Of Max starting nursery.
It's only about two weeks away.
I have a meeting with the head of the nursery along with one of Max's therapists on Monday morning to discuss various things, including what will be the best way for him to be introduced into this whole new world.
Here's the thing. I've never really taken Max to much in the way of social activities. Play groups, rhyme time, it just never really worked for him. Not to mention that until recently I've had Zack to content with too. Take him along to things for the younger ones and he'll no doubt be too exuberant, take him to something more suitable for Max and he'll get bored, and be very vocal about it too.
Plus there's Max's behaviour in general. When he was a baby, he just screamed constantly, and I didn't want to have to deal with that and a hyperactive toddler with other mums looking on. As he got older, he just became more difficult to manage in an environment with too much going on, so I stopped trying to take him to places he didn't seem interested in.
Now he's three.
He's going to be going into his first major social setting.
One of many to come.
And I'm terrified that he'll hate it, or be too unmanageable for the staff there.
They do have other ASD kids there, so I know he will be in safe hands, but he's my baby, he can't really communicate much at all and the world is so much harder for him to deal with, I'm scared it'll all be too much.
I'm terrified of the meltdowns I know will happen, regardless of whether it's because he surprises me and enjoys nursery or not.
If it's the latter, I can take him out of nursery and try again next year, worst case scenario. Not something I want to do if I can help it.
If it's the former, then that's great, but comes with knowing that he will be concentrating so hard, bless him, on the regular things, on understanding what most three year olds can do without us even thinking about it, that he will be in constant meltdown mode, for at least a few weeks.
Maybe longer if we're introducing longer times, or different things to his schedule.
It's a catch twenty-two isn't it?
I'm terrified of both ways.
I want my lil man to settle well, and enjoy nursery, maybe even make a little friend, or at least be able to get through a few hours without it being too much for him.
I also want him to not melt down for the rest of the day after he's been.
But it's not about me, it's about what's best for him.
There are so many things I just can't do to help him that being in a social setting, with other children his age, can do for him.
I am hoping that he surprises me.
But I have this little feeling in the pit of my stomach that it's going to be HARD. Really hard.
I know I'll have to be strong and just go with it, do whatever's best for him.
I just hope it's not too much for either of us to handle.
Mind you, even if it is, at least I have family and friends around me to hold my hands, both on and offline, and Max has me, his biggest fan, so we should be ok, right?
Maybe it won't be so terrifying after all...
There, I said it.