Remember, happiness is a way of travel, not a destination. ~Roy Goodman.
This is so damn true.
It's not about where you end up, but how you get there.
I mean, who says at the end of their life "boy, I'm really glad I'm happy right now, who cares that I was miserable my whole life!", do they?
It's the memories, the love, the friendships you create, the life you choose to lead.
The way you choose to see things can have such an impact on how life seems.
If I'm in a bad mood, the whole day can be so rough. Because I'm already looking at the negatives, instead of focussing on the positives.
If I wake up in a good mood? Not much can get me down that day, as I see everything in a better light.
One of the main reasons I love creating, is because I enjoy the whole experience.
Of getting my paints out, putting on some of my favourite music.
Getting my hands covered in paint, and just going with the flow.
I never think too much about what I'm creating, or how it will look when it's done, I just enjoy the process.
By the end of it, I feel lighter, happier, more relaxed.
I'm smiling and chilled because I've spent that time on me.
Doing something I love.
Something that, in today's case, I haven't done since March.
Art went to the wayside.
I was too exhausted.
I'd rather just sit and watch tv.
Not that I don't still like sitting and watching tv, but there's a time for it, and that's not ALL the time.
I don't like that stuck feeling.
I don't enjoy feeling like I'm stagnating.
I don't think anyone does, really.
It's one thing to sit back and relax, enjoying a lazy day with my boys. Watching Star Wars (we've just finished Episode 2: The Clone Wars) with popcorn and maltesers... seeing those two sweet faces lighting up with the excitement of something they've never seen before is a wonderful feeling, and I'm so glad I get to be there to see it.
Even in that circumstance... it's not about us having watched the movie, it's about sitting back, snuggled up with my family, enjoying something together. An experience for us all, Kenzi included!
But just sitting watching tv night after night, because I couldn't be bothered to do anything else?
Sure it's ok for a while, but it's not something that feeds my soul.
It's not something that makes me feel accomplished, or gives me the enjoyment that painting, or writing, or tickling my boys gives me.
It's escapism in it's easiest form.
And it's hard to stop, once you start.
Don't get me wrong - I'm loving True Blood season five, and Criminal Minds, but I'm not going to *just* sit and watch those anymore.
I'm not going to sit and mope about while the world goes by.
Because if I want to change, I have to change *something*.
Nothing amazing ever falls into anyone's lap. Those people I'm inspired by? They've worked their asses off to get to where they are.
So it's down to me, to be who I want to be, and to do the things I want to do.
Something I'd shoved to the back of my mind for a few months there. And I didn't like the person I was.
Constantly down on myself, and others. Moping about, tearful... dare I say it, depressed.
It's not a nice feeling.
And it's somewhere I've been before.
I know the only way out is to WANT to get out.
So that's where I am just now.
I'm wanting to get out.
I'm trying to get back to my usual self.
I'm not going to just sit and wait for something to change without putting any work into it.
Another of my favourite phrases at the moment:
"Dreams only work if you do."
And I've not been working at it lately.
I've not been working at anything.
I've just been being.
And maybe that's what I needed for a while.
Some time to just sit, and be, and not really think too much.
But that time's finished now.
I need to get my balance back.
I want to enjoy writing again.
I want to enjoy painting and drawing and getting messy again.
And so this is what I'll do.
I'll keep writing a bit, every day. Even if most of it won't see the light of day.
I'll keep getting my art supplies out and enjoying myself, letting the paint dance across the page, working the colours into each other.
And hopefully if I do this, I'll start feeling more like myself again.
I think it's working.
I feel much more at ease again already.
I just need to keep it going.
And you know what?
I don't really think it's going to be too hard to do that.