SoftThistle Life

Exhausted

Autism, LifeMarylin

That doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm so far beyond exhausted I'm wondering whether it's morning or night.

Granted that could also be thanks to the dark nights coming earlier, and the dark mornings lasting longer.

I'm so exhausted that every bone in my body aches.

A dull fire, through my whole body.

That way you feel when you've done so much in one day you don't even know how it's possible?

That's how I feel all day, every day right now.

It's Max.

For all the joys of having him in my life.

My gorgeous, special little guy who sees the world a different way.

He just.

He doesn't sleep.

He's five years old, and wakes between 11-3 most nights. If I'm lucky, he might go back to sleep after 3-4 hours awake.

If I'm not, that's him for the day.

Zack might as well just fall asleep in my room rather than have to be decanted there every night, these days.

It's not just that he's woken up though.

It's that he's WIDE awake and wants to do what he wants RIGHT NOW and if things don't go the way he wants, he screams and shrieks and wrecks his bedroom and puts himself in danger.

And I'm so far beyond tired I don't have even an ounce of energy to "stick to my guns" and "stay consistent".

Telling me to do that right now is basically like telling someone to complete a 10,000 piece jigsaw while blindfolded with one hand behind their back.

It just ain't happening.

The overwhelming resignation that I'm precariously close to the end of the proverbial tether.

That I'm not coping.

That I'm bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, like I did way back when I had PND with Max.

My meds aren't cutting it any more.

Max's meds aren't cutting it any more.

We need help.

So hopefully our appointments at the doctor's on Monday will help to get the ball rolling for help. Hell, I'll settle for some valium right now, because we all know sleeping problems in children don't get fixed overnight. Mummy's little helper, right?

Maybe offer a little light at the end of this never ending dark tunnel we've been treading water in for the majority of this year.

Please don't worry about me doing something drastic.

I won't.

I'm still strong enough to know that.

I'm just.

I guess this is my... explanation?

For being so absent.

It's all I can do right now to just keep going.

I just need to keep going till Monday.

That's all.