Yeah... that didn't last long!

So yeah... NaBloPoMo and NaNoJouMo? Total fail.

Let me elaborate as to *why* it got brushed to the sidelines so early on.

On Saturday, Max started wheezing.

Out come his meds, and it was kept under control.

However by Sunday night/Monday morning he was still wheezing, had kept Zack (who is also v snuffly by this point) and I up from about 2.45am till 7.30am. 

Not. Fun.

Then came the realisation that Max's asthma has only really come about since we got Alfie the pup.

So Alfie the pup went to a new home on Wednesday evening. 

By this point, the boys hadn't been to school since before the weekend, and I was getting tired.

I also decided that if I had to give up Alfie for Max, then I damn well have to give up smoking for him, and me, too.

So on Wednesday night, I smoked my last cigarette.

I've got rid of every smoking item in the house, and have gone through far too many mini packs of Haribo that no one came to claim on Halloween. 

Also, the house is slowly but surely starting to get cleaner as I do what I can to keep busy.

Turns out I'm a fidget!

Who knew smoking was making me lazier, eh? >_<

So... not a chance in hell of me keeping what little sanity I have left, and blogging every day, AND arting every day - something had to give. I will try to keep up the pace with both more than I have been in recent months, though. 

It seems that I'm much more inclined to blog during the winter months. 

Something about wanting to stay inside and cosy probably...

Oooh... and Skyrim is out! So I may kind of disappear for a while as I fell asleep dreaming about it last night.

Swapping one addiction for another... typical eh? At least this one isn't as detrimental for my health, right? ;)

For Jenny

This is a repost from July 12th 2010. The day I lost one of my best friends.

Today is your memorial Jenny, and though I can't be there, I feel like you're always with me. You help me shape my decisions every day in ways I could never have imagined.

Love you always Jenny-Boo.

*******

How Do You Say Goodbye?

Today I had the worst news.

One of my oldest friends, someone who's been there through thick and thin, passed away today.

She was 27.

I remember first meeting her when the girl who lived in the room next to me in halls at first year of uni introduced me.

She was one of those people who just looked inherently cool.

She had her own style, kind of like a combo of skater chick and emo-chic, but that just doesn't even come close.

She was Awesome.

It didn't take long to realise that we were actually in most of the same classes for lectures.

It also didn't take long to realise that we got on really well. Just clicked if you will.

We would go to the pub for lunch, have a pint of water and sit there chatting and eating our lunch.

We would go out clubbing on a weds and thurs as they were the cheap nights.

She'd dance what could only be described as her own style of dancing, complete with lil jumps in the air.

We'd talk about our courses, who we fancied or were with at the time, whether God existed, what was the deal with Freud and his beliefs. You name it, we've spoken about it.

I remember the first time she came to visit after Zack was born. He was about 8 days old, and I needed to go get his milk, so I handed him to her. She held him at arms length and had that "what do I do, I think I might hurt him!" kind of look on her face, but I knew... knew he was safe with her. She was the first person who wasn't family to ever hold him.

Fast forward a few years and both the boys would light up when they saw her come through the door. Even when Max was going through his "everyone scares me so I'm going to scream till they leave" phase, she could hold him and he wouldn't bat an eyelid.

She came over to my house the day after she found out that I'd split from the boys' dad, cooked us a pasta bake and helped me get the boys to bed. We stayed up chatting till about 3am talking.

She would watch the boys for me when I had the chance to go to the cinema, or even just so I could have an evening through the wall at my friend's house.

She met Dean and they got on instantly. He said she had a "class taste in music". I knew they'd get on, Jenny knows the good ones from the bad.

We talked about how we'd have barbeques this summer at my new house out on the deck.

Today we had our first barbeque here.

Today one of my best friends in the whole world passed from this world into whatever lies beyond.

No one knew it was coming. It was a complete shock.

I keep expecting her to call up and say it was a prank, or a huge mistake.

I wish she would.



Love you loads Jenny. Rest in peace sweetheart. I will always remember you and your awesome self. You are going to be so so missed. xxx

When is enough, enough?

At what point do you realise you need to put your needs first?
After years of being unhappy, being cheated on and having had two children?
Or before things get to a point where you feel too guilty to change them?

Over the last year a lot has changed in my life.
I moved to a new town.
I started a new blog.
I met someone else.
I fell in love, too quickly.
I got engaged.

I was kidding myself, trying to put that little voice in my head saying "this isn't working, what are you doing?" to the back of my head, out of my thoughts.

There's only so far I can push that voice down though before it comes through in everything I do.
I stop wearing makeup.
I start eating more.
I get lazy with the housework.
I start to feel trapped, claustrophobic.
Smothered, desperate to break free.

Then I realise that I cannot allow myself to live like this.
In a world where this life is the only one we get, I can't just let myself live in a situation I'm not happy in.

If I'm not happy, I'm not giving my all to my children, and they need that. I need that.

There are only so many second chances you can give someone.

Then enough is enough, and you're done.

I'm done.

I'm not going to live my life any way other than how I want it to be.

I'm happier on my own, just me and my boys.

When the buck stops with me, I am much more productive, more proactive, and generally feel more accomplished and happier in myself.

I need space.

I need the freedom to breathe and do what I want (within reason of course, the kids are still number one).

I need to be me.

That was the whole point of this blog in the start wasn't it?

To be uncensored, unequivocally me.

If that means being on my own, then so be it.

Just me, my boys, and our plethora of pets.

How Do You Say Goodbye?

Today I had the worst news.

One of my oldest friends, someone who's been there through thick and thin, passed away today.

She was 27.

I remember first meeting her when the girl who lived in the room next to me in halls at first year of uni introduced me.

She was one of those people who just looked inherently cool.

She had her own style, kind of like a combo of skater chick and emo-chic, but that just doesn't even come close.

She was Awesome.

It didn't take long to realise that we were actually in most of the same classes for lectures.

It also didn't take long to realise that we got on really well. Just clicked if you will.

We would go to the pub for lunch, have a pint of water and sit there chatting and eating our lunch.

We would go out clubbing on a weds and thurs as they were the cheap nights.

She'd dance what could only be described as her own style of dancing, complete with lil jumps in the air.

We'd talk about our courses, who we fancied or were with at the time, whether God existed, what was the deal with Freud and his beliefs. You name it, we've spoken about it.

I remember the first time she came to visit after Zack was born. He was about 8 days old, and I needed to go get his milk, so I handed him to her. She held him at arms length and had that "what do I do, I think I might hurt him!" kind of look on her face, but I knew... knew he was safe with her. She was the first person who wasn't family to ever hold him.

Fast forward a few years and both the boys would light up when they saw her come through the door. Even when Max was going through his "everyone scares me so I'm going to scream till they leave" phase, she could hold him and he wouldn't bat an eyelid.

She came over to my house the day after she found out that I'd split from the boys' dad, cooked us a pasta bake and helped me get the boys to bed. We stayed up chatting till about 3am talking.

She would watch the boys for me when I had the chance to go to the cinema, or even just so I could have an evening through the wall at my friend's house.

She met Dean and they got on instantly. He said she had a "class taste in music". I knew they'd get on, Jenny knows the good ones from the bad.

We talked about how we'd have barbeques this summer at my new house out on the deck.

Today we had our first barbeque here.

Today one of my best friends in the whole world passed from this world into whatever lies beyond.

No one knew it was coming. It was a complete shock.

I keep expecting her to call up and say it was a prank, or a huge mistake.

I wish she would.



Love you loads Jenny. Rest in peace sweetheart. I will always remember you and your awesome self. You are going to be so so missed. xxx