When is enough, enough?

At what point do you realise you need to put your needs first?
After years of being unhappy, being cheated on and having had two children?
Or before things get to a point where you feel too guilty to change them?

Over the last year a lot has changed in my life.
I moved to a new town.
I started a new blog.
I met someone else.
I fell in love, too quickly.
I got engaged.

I was kidding myself, trying to put that little voice in my head saying "this isn't working, what are you doing?" to the back of my head, out of my thoughts.

There's only so far I can push that voice down though before it comes through in everything I do.
I stop wearing makeup.
I start eating more.
I get lazy with the housework.
I start to feel trapped, claustrophobic.
Smothered, desperate to break free.

Then I realise that I cannot allow myself to live like this.
In a world where this life is the only one we get, I can't just let myself live in a situation I'm not happy in.

If I'm not happy, I'm not giving my all to my children, and they need that. I need that.

There are only so many second chances you can give someone.

Then enough is enough, and you're done.

I'm done.

I'm not going to live my life any way other than how I want it to be.

I'm happier on my own, just me and my boys.

When the buck stops with me, I am much more productive, more proactive, and generally feel more accomplished and happier in myself.

I need space.

I need the freedom to breathe and do what I want (within reason of course, the kids are still number one).

I need to be me.

That was the whole point of this blog in the start wasn't it?

To be uncensored, unequivocally me.

If that means being on my own, then so be it.

Just me, my boys, and our plethora of pets.

Frustrated

Note: family members of mine may not want to read this, the rest of you... meh)

You know what SUCKS about seeing someone who doesn't live in the same country?

You can't actually have sex.

Do you have any idea how frustrating that is??

I am frustrated beyond belief.

Yes, I have toys, but come on - it's just not the same is it?

All you women with men around, ENJOY the sex godammit, cause you have it ON TAP. (that would be something I never thought I'd say having come out of a relationship where sex was a burden for the last two years).

The thought of having to wait till January is killing me.

But then I guess once that time has been and gone I'll have even more to miss.

/sigh

There endeth my rant.

Can I do this?

I want to move on. To find someone else. I do.

But. (there’s always a but isn’t there?)

I don’t want to let myself get hurt again.

I don’t want to let anyone in enough for that to happen.

So I blow hot and cold all the time.

I guess it’s my defence mechanism?

It’s only been 4 months.

Is that enough time?

In every other aspect of my life I’m happy, I’ve moved on, I’m me again.

But another relationship?

I’m scared I’ll fall flat on my face.

I guess there’s only one way to find out...

Dammit why me?

Here’s the thing. I kinda like someone. (hello someone)
This is the first guy I’ve liked since the split.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I’M DOING.
He lives in another freakin' country.
So obviously, it just ain’t gonna happen.

Do you know how much that sucks?

Big Time.

I guess at least that means I am totally ‘over it’ as far as past relationships are concerned?
What’s the point though? Nothing will come of it and I know that, but I can’t help but like him.

Gahhhh. Maybe I should become a nun.

Can you be a nun with children?

I’m screwed. Unfortunately not in the way I’d like to be.

/cries

Pondering my bloggy-journey.

Just a week ago today I opened up softthistle.net to blog.

In that one week I've written a post every day. It's like I've found my bloggy mojo all over again, and I'm loving it.

My fresh start, to go with my new start in life. I can write what I want, when I want, and about whatever I deem fit. I feel calmer in myself as if I've got anything on my chest I know I can write it down here. What's more, there are people actually reading it (hai People!). It's amazing the difference starting off a blog can make if you've already got a name for yourself online. Two years ago when I started alittlespaceforme, I knew no-one. I blogged about the nightmarish sleepless nights I was having with the newborn Max. I whinged about it actually... lots. I met a few like-minded (read sleep-deprived) people through NaBloPoMo and it spiraled from there.

I blame Veronica. No particular reason, I just do.

(*smoochies* love you really babe!)

I am so amazed that I've carried on with this hobby for so long. I'm known to not be one who sticks with something for very long, but when I forked out for a year's hosting I knew I was in for the long haul. No excuses, I just had to do it.

I've also kept up my interest in taking photos of my family in those two years, although I don't think I've improved anywhere near as much as I'd like to, or like some people have. Oh I wish I was as talented!

I had a WoW (world of warcraft) blog for about a year, but in the end I'd rather play the game than blog about it... although you will most definitely see some more WoW posts in the coming weeks what with me being promoted to Admin in my guild - they like me! They REALLY like me!! *sqwees*

I thought about starting up another blog - alittlepeaceforme.com. Bought the domain name last year and then didn't really have the time or energy to do anything with it.

And here is my newest baby, softthistle.net. I think I'm going to enjoy it here, and I have a few ideas now about what I want to do with the design. I've even been sketching again! I haven't done that since I was at school some... oh, eight years ago now? (that makes me feel older than I feel)

Things have been very up and down in the past couple of years, and I'm pretty sure one of the main reasons I stayed sane was the friendships I've made online. You may not realise it, but you guys have been my rock, and I'll never forget that. Ever.