Am I really going anywhere?

I mean, really, I guess I'm the only one who can answer that, and right now, I'm not so sure I know the answer.

I love my inspirational quotes, goodness knows if you follow me on Pinterest, you'll see just how much! 

I'm always good at giving advice, but it seems I'm not so good at taking it at the moment.

"Your desire to change must be greater than your desire to stay the same." 

Therein lies the problem.

I want to change - to get fitter, oh how wonderful that would be!

To make a dent in the laundry would be a plan right now to be honest.

I don't have the drive, the inclination, the want or need to change. 

Things are coasting along pretty well for us at the moment, and it's been pretty nice to have things being boring and predictable. 

I forget till people remind me, that my life isn't necessarily the easiest. Single parent, two young boys, Max's autism, his lack of sleeping (which MIGHT be getting better... he's slept all night through for A WHOLE WEEK NOW!!! That's me jinxed myself now, of course), not getting a chance to slack off and have someone take over.

I still do slack off though, it's just, that ends up meaning I get behind, simply *because* there's no one there to pick up where I left off.

And then, I don't really know how life is going to go. Particularly with Max. 

He's attempting to talk, when prompted, most of the time. 

However his speech is still very limited. 

Probably that of around a one year old. 

Someone who's just starting to learn how to say a few words here and there.

But he doesn't have the *need* to communicate with me in the way most children do with their parents.

Still, he's getting there. My beautiful boy.

I have no idea how much he's going to need me though, as life goes on. You know?

So.

Am I selfish to want to spend my evenings playing games, or watching tv, and generally not doing things to "better" myself with? 

I know the answer is really no. 

But I still feel guilty when I do something I enjoy, instead of something productive.

I should be learning something, bettering myself, doing some blasted housework. 

GETTING ORGANISED, basically. 

Which is something I am truly and utterly hopeless at.

Maybe it's time I looked for a PA... 

any takers?

Safe Place... 19/366

My mum got me this gorgeous wee box for Christmas.

I saw it in the window of my absolute favourite little shop, and squee'd at it. 

I never really needed boxes for anything till I started wearing jewelery again.

You see, when I had post natal depression, I kind of lost myself for a while.

And I lost that interest in taking care of anything that was mine. 

Or even keeping a hold of them.

That included some of the most gorgeous bracelets, earrings and pendants. 

Some that my Gran made.

Things I'll never be able to get back. 

So now that I'm back on my even keel, steady and generally more myself than I've been since pre-kids, I've gone back to wanting to wear pretty things. 

To indulge myself once in a while to something fanciful. 

Like a gorgeous bracelet,

or a cute wee ring.

Because it turns out I really *am* worth it. 

Just like you. 

Who knew, eh?

Who could resist?

I mean really... who could resist these beautiful eyes eh?

Well, yesterday it seems I could. I was snappy, grumpy, and shouted at both boys more than I should have.

See, I realised on friday morning I ran out of my anti depressants (citalopram if you're nosey like me!). I called the doctor to see if there was any way they could get the prescription sorted that day, but they were backed up.

Ok, so I'd be without my meds till monday. I knew I'd start to feel a bit narky by then, but I know it's not life-threatening, and I know that it's just for a short while.

On saturday, I got to spend the day with one of my fave bloggy friends, Nikkii, as we were going to an RPS event to be "observers" and see other people get their work critiqued. Not to mention knowing that we'd be close to a Jessops and I knew I had enough money to get my long-awaited Nikon D90!

I noticed I was chattering away more loudly than I normally would in the car with my dad who was dropping me off, but I just put it down to the excitement of a child-free day. My lovely friends were looking after the boys all day (not one SINGLE meltdown for Max... SUCCESS!!), so I knew they were in good hands, and wasn't worrying about them. :)

By Sunday I was in full on grumpy bitch mode though. Every little bang of toys on the floor, or Zack jumping about (how many times do I have to tell him *NOT* to climb all over the furniture!) and I was snapping and shouting.

I apologised to him as I tucked him up into bed (early, thank god!), saying I was sorry for being such a grumpy mum all day. He asked if I was sorry for shouting at him too. *sigh* I said yes, and he decided that he would forgive me. He then proceeded to turn his head funny and said "I love you upside down Mum!", and grinned.

I took two of my pills on monday morning to get a kick-start of it back in my system, and I'm already feeling much better.

Needless to say I've now set up an alert in my calendar to remind me to call up a week in advance so this doesn't happen again!

Just goes to show, even though I feel absolutely *fine* when I'm on my meds, it doesn't mean I'm "cured". It's a biological thing after all (I could go into all the pharmacological details, but I won't bore you with them). Just like taking medication for high blood pressure. I would never skip something like that if I had to be on it, so I really need to be more vigilant with my meds.

I think these days I know more people *on* meds for various depression/stress/anxiety related reasons than I do people who don't!

Have any of you had similar experiences?

(am using this photo as my 365 for the day...)

How I Imagine Sensory Overload Feels

I can't do this. It's too much. Get him away from me. Leave me alone. I want to run. Run out of the door, away from everything. But I can't. My whole body feels tight with this anxiety. I want to lash out. I wish I could just hide in my bed. I want to get away from it all. Leave me alone. Go away. I need quiet. I need darkness. I need you to go away. Go AWAY. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE. I don't want to be here anymore. I can't do this. Can't do this at all. It's too much. It's ALL TOO MUCH.

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This is how I felt when I was in the darkest depths of post natal depression, which I was diagnosed with about three months after Max was born.

I didn't want him anywhere near me.

He cried. ALL the time.

I couldn't cope with it all.

It was too much.

As soon as his dad came home from work, I thrust this screamy baby towards him to try to escape it all.

It was horrible.

Even now, when I think about it, my whole body tenses up. I look back, and I can't even begin to imagine ever feeling that way about Max now.

What I now realise though, is that all that screaming he did as a baby. It was his pain, his fear, his confusion of being in the middle of sensory overload, and not being able to do anything about it.

I had no idea, just assumed that he was a difficult baby.

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This is how I imagine Max feels when he's in the middle of a meltdown.

The only difference between how I felt, and how he felt, is that he goes into destruction mode and can't control himself at all, being only three and all.

I imagine if I had thought I could have got away with it, I quite possibly would have acted out in a similar way to how he does when he's in the red mist.

It's not something he can control, in the same way I couldn't control my constant anxiety.

It's really just pure feeling. He's showing me how much it hurts, how frustrating it can be sometimes, living in his world.

Luckily for him, and me, I now understand him a lot better.

With me being a much calmer, happier, positive person, it rubs off on him too, I'm sure of it.

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Could you imagine what it would feel like for a sound, or a bright light to hurt so much you just can't cope? Those of you who suffer migraines can understand, but you know what it is that's happening, and that it will pass.

Imagine living in a world where everything is just the here and now.

There is no past.

There is no future.

There is only how you are feeling right at that very moment.

That's gotta be quite a scary place to live.

Really, it's no wonder it can end in a meltdown.