Sometimes autism is just plain HARD.

Really hard. 

Frustratingly, exhaustingly HARD.

The Easter holidays are NOT going well in the Softthistle household. 

Max is absolutely hating taking no for an answer. 

My normally happy lil guy has become so fractious that it's getting harder and harder to live with him at the moment. 

Thank feck for the following:

My mum and dad, who are there to talk to whenever I need it. Not to mention the hugs, and trips to KFC where my wee man can enjoy his popcorn chicken and go in a trance while we're in the car.

My friends who insist I go to their's any time Max is getting too much. Or come over to help out. Or insist on taking Max for a day and night next week so Zack and I can have a break (Sharon, I love youuuu!!! xxx).

The autism community online who are there with knowing messages of support and hints and tips. 

Rescue Remedy for keeping me from going completely round the bend. 

Melatonin that makes getting Max into bed at night so so much easier.

My Zackie boy who is the most understanding of his mum needing some quiet time once his wee brother is in bed and happily takes the iPad upstairs to play quietly on it in my room till his bedtime, not to mention the jokes he cracks, and the cuddles he gives me when he knows I need it. 

Kenzi my wee puppy girl who loves nothing more than snuggling up with me at the end of the day.

The cats who are endless sources of amusement when it comes to watching them interact with wee Kenzi (there's no escape now Kenzi's conquered the stairs!).

Did I mention my family and friends? 

----

This is the hardest holiday we've had so far. 

We're only one week into it and I've been at the point of tearing my hair out so many times already. 

Max is melting down many times daily.

He's always at me, wanting me to get him things he knows he can't have, and then lashing out at me in anger and frustration. He just won't let things go. 

Not to mention the 3/4am wake ups.

It gets to about 3pm and I find my self nearly shaking in my boots (well, trainers) that I've still got four hours to go. 

I've taken to hiding in the loo just to get a bit of peace as it's the only room in the house he refuses point blank to go into. Unless he's being dragged in for a bath or shower. 

Their dad couldn't get time off to have the boys this holiday, so I've not got that bit of time to look forward to for a break.

----

I don't think people realise how hard I find it sometimes. 

I'm generally really positive. 

And normally, life goes ok, all things considered. 

But holidays. 

Max out of his routine. 

Not being able to get a break at all?

That's f'ing hard.

Ten days to go till he's back to his nursery routine. 

I don't even want to think about how I'm going to cope over the summer holidays, except I know the boys will go to their dad's for a week then, so I know I'll have a break at some point. 

If only respite was easier to come by. 

Max is on the Child Health Team's list for an assessment for it, but they're so stowed out with people that it'll take months before he's allocated a social worker, and then no doubt it'll be a battle to get any respite whatsoever, if at all.

Best to try not to think about that bridge till it's time to cross it though, eh? 

----

So yeah, basically life is pretty hard right now, Max is being very difficult, and I need copious amounts of chocolate sent, mkay? 

#autismsucks

How freeing it must be...

...to be able to fully show your emotions, at all times. 

Like my lil Max does. 

When he's happy, he's happy with his whole body! 

He smiles, he shrieks and giggles with laughter, he wiggles his bum and jumps about. 

You really can't help but join in when he's happy.

By the same token, when he's frustrated, or angry, or sad... he gets to let it all out. 

All of it. 

He can scream his head off, and throw things, and sob and it's ok for him to do this (though admittedly, it's not particularly enjoyable for any of us) because he has autism. 

He's always much better after a meltdown too.

If he's been having a difficult day, you can guarantee that a meltdown is coming, and that he'll have a wee sleepy spell after it, and then be right as rain. 

Just like I *need* to be able to vent to my mum, my friends, or even twitter to get my frustrations out and move on from them, Max needs to do the exact same thing. 

Like stamping his feet when he wants something and I tell him no.

(disclaimer: No idea where he got that from... can't possibly be an ingrained instinct that he got from his mum from what she used to do as a kid... not at *all* ahem...)

Or if he hurts himself, it's the end of the world and he'll sob and sob.

****

The thing is, when you're dealing with that amount of sheer emotional energy, it can be difficult to stop. 

Difficult to get yourself out of it. 

I'm pretty sure most of us have cried ourselves to sleep at least once in the past. 

I know that, when I was suffering from post natal depression, the only way I could escape was by eventually falling asleep, once I was all cried out. 

So it's hardly a surprise that when Max goes into a meltdown, it's hard to get him out of it. 

It's hard enough for a grown adult, so why on earth would it be easier for him? 

Especially when he has no speech, little understanding of what's being said to him, and no real concept of now, later, or then. 

****

 But still... however hard it is, it must also be such a release to be able to just let all that emotion get out on a regular basis. 

Instead of letting it eat away at you, which is the "allowed" thing to do in our society.

Because showing that you're anything but happy is a weakness. 

Or at least, that's how so many people perceive it. 

Yes... I think it must be quite freeing to be Max sometimes.

Sensory Seeking A-Go-Go! 63/366

So I've not really spoken much about Max's development recently. 

In fact, I've barely mentioned it in the last few months. 

I guess that's because things have kind of got onto an even (ish) keel here, so I've not had as much to talk about? 

Now let me just point out, that being on an even keel doesn't mean life is permanently rosy, it's just that Max is, mostly, pretty good. 

The meltdowns are shorter, and it's usually easier to distract him before he gets to The Point of No Return. 

Usually. 

Unless it's something that I can't back down from. 

He still hates the word "no" with a passion. 

"Later" isn't much better... as far as he's concerned, he wants something, and he wants it NOW. 

It doesn't matter how often I say "no", or try to change his focus to something else... he's a determined little b... erm... boy... when he wants to be!

Not that he could possibly get the stubbornness gene from me. *cough* 

The thing is, the meltdowns? They've become shorter (in general), but much more violent. 

He's a danger to himself.

And to those of us around him.

But mostly, he takes his anger and frustration out on himself.

He punches himself in the head, chin, thighs.

He throws himself at furniture. 

He hits and kicks out. 

It's not nice to see him like that.

I think part of it is sensory seeking. 

The ferociousness of his selfharm. 

It's like he's trying to block out everything else through big sensory input, but instead, he's hurting himself, which he doesn't enjoy, so it's a never ending cycle. 

There are some things that work though. 

Like applying deep pressure to his head.

Rubbing his back really hard.

And his favourite: laying him down over my lap on his back, and letting him hang upside down off it. Like in the picture up there.

His speech is... hmm, I'd say it's not really come on to be honest. 

He'll say, "I wohh" (I want) off his own back, whenever he wants anything (funnily enough!), but he won't say what it is. Or say ANYTHING else for that matter, unless he's prompted. 

He can say "bye bye", "hiya", "please" etc, but won't bother unless he's prompted. 

And he only says the very basic version of the word, with no consonants, in general. 

He's mostly started sleeping through the night again now he's back at nursery.

There are still the days when he wakes at 3am for the day though. 

And most mornings he'll wake anywhere between 4.30am-6.30am. 

At least I've finally got into the habit of going to bed by about 10pm again now, otherwise I wouldn't be coping that well!

Still, it's better than him waking every night at 2.30am for the day! THAT was a nightmare, I can tell you!

So, in general? Things aren't amazing, but they're not horrible either. 

In regards to Max's autism at least.

If anyone has any ideas on how to get him to stop trying to harm himself, pleeease let me know! 

Hope you're all having a good weekend!

Am I really going anywhere?

I mean, really, I guess I'm the only one who can answer that, and right now, I'm not so sure I know the answer.

I love my inspirational quotes, goodness knows if you follow me on Pinterest, you'll see just how much! 

I'm always good at giving advice, but it seems I'm not so good at taking it at the moment.

"Your desire to change must be greater than your desire to stay the same." 

Therein lies the problem.

I want to change - to get fitter, oh how wonderful that would be!

To make a dent in the laundry would be a plan right now to be honest.

I don't have the drive, the inclination, the want or need to change. 

Things are coasting along pretty well for us at the moment, and it's been pretty nice to have things being boring and predictable. 

I forget till people remind me, that my life isn't necessarily the easiest. Single parent, two young boys, Max's autism, his lack of sleeping (which MIGHT be getting better... he's slept all night through for A WHOLE WEEK NOW!!! That's me jinxed myself now, of course), not getting a chance to slack off and have someone take over.

I still do slack off though, it's just, that ends up meaning I get behind, simply *because* there's no one there to pick up where I left off.

And then, I don't really know how life is going to go. Particularly with Max. 

He's attempting to talk, when prompted, most of the time. 

However his speech is still very limited. 

Probably that of around a one year old. 

Someone who's just starting to learn how to say a few words here and there.

But he doesn't have the *need* to communicate with me in the way most children do with their parents.

Still, he's getting there. My beautiful boy.

I have no idea how much he's going to need me though, as life goes on. You know?

So.

Am I selfish to want to spend my evenings playing games, or watching tv, and generally not doing things to "better" myself with? 

I know the answer is really no. 

But I still feel guilty when I do something I enjoy, instead of something productive.

I should be learning something, bettering myself, doing some blasted housework. 

GETTING ORGANISED, basically. 

Which is something I am truly and utterly hopeless at.

Maybe it's time I looked for a PA... 

any takers?

When did you get so big? 21/366

Seriously? 

Max... you're looking more and more like Zack every day.

WHERE did your gorgeous big squishy cheeks go? 

How do they just disappear?!

You look like a Proper Boy now, rather than a little one. 

There's no more pretending that you're still only little.

Even though you still are on the inside.

How on earth did we manage to get to you being nearly FIVE already?

OK, so it's not nearly, it's not till October.

Still... you're going to be five. THIS YEAR!

You're just going to have to stop it. 

Right now.

You're not allowed to grow anymore.

And you can tell your feet to stop getting sweaty.

I miss having little cutsey feet to nibble on, goddamnit!

*sobs*

Really though, 

you're so adorably cute these days, what with your proper little personality finally coming out.

You're a joker, that's for sure!

Like the funny moves you make when I'm attempting to dance to tunes from my xbox games...

or you finding it absolutely HILARIOUS that I managed to spill nearly a full cup of milk all over myself.

Honestly - was it *really* that funny?! (ok, it was... I laughed too... but your belly laugh? Made me laugh more!)

And last week, when you just! couldn't! go! on! and dramatically crawled.... up.... the.... stairs.... and proceeded to climb.... into.... bed.... the wrong way around and flop face-first into bed.

All the while with a twinkle in your eye, and that little cheeky grin.

You knew *exactly* what you were doing!

Actually... you know what?

If you keep coming out with gems like those?

You can keep growing.

Just not so fast, damnit!!