I guess I need the break to get back onto the bloggidy bandwagon.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to start writing again more regularly yet, mind. 

It's been a bit of a rollercoaster of sleepless nights, colds, more sleepless nights, and more colds since back in April.

By the time I've got the kids in bed, all I want to do is flop into my butt groove on the sofa with Kenzi and watch tv till bedtime. 

Criminal Minds has become a favourite, since they started it from the beginning on one of the Sky channels... I'm up to season 3 so far and it's pretty awesome!

I'd normally have written blogs during the day while the boys are at school and nursery, but if I'm not being sociable (who knew you could have Actual Friends outside the computer?!) with my friends, I'm going back to bed to catch up on sleep, so yeah... no blogging has been done of late.

The laundry is nearly caught up, but I'm doing bare minimum.

The thought of nearly 8 weeks of Summer Holidays is terrifying. 

Max never copes well with holidays, as I saw full on at Easter. 

No sleep equals a Very Difficult Max. 

----

On the upside, Zack is in the midst of joining the Young Carers project in Perth, which he's really looking forward to. 

One night a week after school till 7.30pm he'll get to go have fun, meet new kids, run off his energy, and generally be a regular lil boy who doesn't need to worry about helping out Mum with his lil brother. 

I forget sometimes, how young he still is. 

He may be nearly 7 (6 weeks... eeek!), but he acts so much more intuitively than that. He's so expressive, empathetic, helpful... you know he actually decided that doing the dishwasher was his job and has stuck to it? 

Not to mention coaxing Max downstairs at 6am on the weekends to play xbox with him so his mama can catch up on a bit of sleep. Something that doesn't happen when I've been getting enough sleep, but at the moment that's not happening as much as either of us would like. 

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I've barely picked up my camera in the last 3 months.

It's actually been gathering dust.

Or at least, the bag has. There had better not be dust on my camera, though it'd be just my luck!

I miss it, but I don't miss lugging it around, you know?

It's just so much easier to whip out my phone, and it can take some pretty good photos, so long as the lighting is right...

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I keep wondering, what am I going to do with my life?

What do I want to be when I grow up?

All the people I know online who are happy with their work... I don't know how they do it without being completely exhausted.

I guess I'd love to get that "one million dollar idea", but I know that's hardly likely.

I got to be in the nursery on thursday morning for an hour to see how the speech therapist worked with Max, and it reminded me of how much I love working with little ones, but I have such low energy levels, I don't think I'd cope with being on my feet (and knees) all day.

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Oh but the things Max knows!!!

He can use his PECS book to make "I want" sentences, asking not just for the colour of the object, but whether he wants the big one or the little one, and even put all the colours down at once, asking for all the cars, instead of just one at a time! 

He slept through for 5 days last week, which made a big difference. Unfortunately it hasn't lasted.

His wee face while he was doing his "work time" with the PECS... oh he looked SO pleased that he could show me what he could do - I had to fight back the tears! 

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I have been reading blog posts, but through a reader, facebook or on my phone, and occasionally popping into twitter. Always on facebook, of course. 

The one place where I have everybody in one place. 

My internet friends, and my in-the-flesh friends. 

Definitely makes life easier to have it all in the one place!

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I guess this post is kind of a mish mash of things that have been happening, and things I've been pondering lately. 

One of those where I'm thinking I should come up with something to round up with, but can't really put anything together.

So instead, I hope you're all healthy and happy! 

I'm just going to keep on treading water for now, trying to look at the positives, and hope that Max will sleep through regularly again soon.

I think a black out blind is definitely needed asap!

*hugs*

(yes, even you... Sally!)

Frustratingly, exhaustingly HARD.

The Easter holidays are NOT going well in the Softthistle household. 

Max is absolutely hating taking no for an answer. 

My normally happy lil guy has become so fractious that it's getting harder and harder to live with him at the moment. 

Thank feck for the following:

My mum and dad, who are there to talk to whenever I need it. Not to mention the hugs, and trips to KFC where my wee man can enjoy his popcorn chicken and go in a trance while we're in the car.

My friends who insist I go to their's any time Max is getting too much. Or come over to help out. Or insist on taking Max for a day and night next week so Zack and I can have a break (Sharon, I love youuuu!!! xxx).

The autism community online who are there with knowing messages of support and hints and tips. 

Rescue Remedy for keeping me from going completely round the bend. 

Melatonin that makes getting Max into bed at night so so much easier.

My Zackie boy who is the most understanding of his mum needing some quiet time once his wee brother is in bed and happily takes the iPad upstairs to play quietly on it in my room till his bedtime, not to mention the jokes he cracks, and the cuddles he gives me when he knows I need it. 

Kenzi my wee puppy girl who loves nothing more than snuggling up with me at the end of the day.

The cats who are endless sources of amusement when it comes to watching them interact with wee Kenzi (there's no escape now Kenzi's conquered the stairs!).

Did I mention my family and friends? 

----

This is the hardest holiday we've had so far. 

We're only one week into it and I've been at the point of tearing my hair out so many times already. 

Max is melting down many times daily.

He's always at me, wanting me to get him things he knows he can't have, and then lashing out at me in anger and frustration. He just won't let things go. 

Not to mention the 3/4am wake ups.

It gets to about 3pm and I find my self nearly shaking in my boots (well, trainers) that I've still got four hours to go. 

I've taken to hiding in the loo just to get a bit of peace as it's the only room in the house he refuses point blank to go into. Unless he's being dragged in for a bath or shower. 

Their dad couldn't get time off to have the boys this holiday, so I've not got that bit of time to look forward to for a break.

----

I don't think people realise how hard I find it sometimes. 

I'm generally really positive. 

And normally, life goes ok, all things considered. 

But holidays. 

Max out of his routine. 

Not being able to get a break at all?

That's f'ing hard.

Ten days to go till he's back to his nursery routine. 

I don't even want to think about how I'm going to cope over the summer holidays, except I know the boys will go to their dad's for a week then, so I know I'll have a break at some point. 

If only respite was easier to come by. 

Max is on the Child Health Team's list for an assessment for it, but they're so stowed out with people that it'll take months before he's allocated a social worker, and then no doubt it'll be a battle to get any respite whatsoever, if at all.

Best to try not to think about that bridge till it's time to cross it though, eh? 

----

So yeah, basically life is pretty hard right now, Max is being very difficult, and I need copious amounts of chocolate sent, mkay? 

#autismsucks

So, last week I went with my friend who was picking up her new Yorkie baby girl, Angel, and I ended up getting Kenzi! 

She's the most adorable lil thing, such a character, little and cute and adorable... but most importantly, she doesn't shed! 

Max hasn't had any breathing problems so far, and is quite happy to put up with her in his space. 

Zack adores her and she him...

and of course I am completely in love!

She's settled in so well and knows who her mummy is. 

Baby pink is *totally* her colour, naturally!

I'm going to have to get some cute wee jumpers for her, after all... the weather up here can be so changeable and cold! Mum... you've been warned!!

She's 8 weeks old today, and due her second injection on friday. So after the weekend it's walkies here we come! 

So... hello from Kenzi! 

Hope you're all having a good Easter holiday so far!

...to be able to fully show your emotions, at all times. 

Like my lil Max does. 

When he's happy, he's happy with his whole body! 

He smiles, he shrieks and giggles with laughter, he wiggles his bum and jumps about. 

You really can't help but join in when he's happy.

By the same token, when he's frustrated, or angry, or sad... he gets to let it all out. 

All of it. 

He can scream his head off, and throw things, and sob and it's ok for him to do this (though admittedly, it's not particularly enjoyable for any of us) because he has autism. 

He's always much better after a meltdown too.

If he's been having a difficult day, you can guarantee that a meltdown is coming, and that he'll have a wee sleepy spell after it, and then be right as rain. 

Just like I *need* to be able to vent to my mum, my friends, or even twitter to get my frustrations out and move on from them, Max needs to do the exact same thing. 

Like stamping his feet when he wants something and I tell him no.

(disclaimer: No idea where he got that from... can't possibly be an ingrained instinct that he got from his mum from what she used to do as a kid... not at *all* ahem...)

Or if he hurts himself, it's the end of the world and he'll sob and sob.

****

The thing is, when you're dealing with that amount of sheer emotional energy, it can be difficult to stop. 

Difficult to get yourself out of it. 

I'm pretty sure most of us have cried ourselves to sleep at least once in the past. 

I know that, when I was suffering from post natal depression, the only way I could escape was by eventually falling asleep, once I was all cried out. 

So it's hardly a surprise that when Max goes into a meltdown, it's hard to get him out of it. 

It's hard enough for a grown adult, so why on earth would it be easier for him? 

Especially when he has no speech, little understanding of what's being said to him, and no real concept of now, later, or then. 

****

 But still... however hard it is, it must also be such a release to be able to just let all that emotion get out on a regular basis. 

Instead of letting it eat away at you, which is the "allowed" thing to do in our society.

Because showing that you're anything but happy is a weakness. 

Or at least, that's how so many people perceive it. 

Yes... I think it must be quite freeing to be Max sometimes.

So I've not really spoken much about Max's development recently. 

In fact, I've barely mentioned it in the last few months. 

I guess that's because things have kind of got onto an even (ish) keel here, so I've not had as much to talk about? 

Now let me just point out, that being on an even keel doesn't mean life is permanently rosy, it's just that Max is, mostly, pretty good. 

The meltdowns are shorter, and it's usually easier to distract him before he gets to The Point of No Return. 

Usually. 

Unless it's something that I can't back down from. 

He still hates the word "no" with a passion. 

"Later" isn't much better... as far as he's concerned, he wants something, and he wants it NOW. 

It doesn't matter how often I say "no", or try to change his focus to something else... he's a determined little b... erm... boy... when he wants to be!

Not that he could possibly get the stubbornness gene from me. *cough* 

The thing is, the meltdowns? They've become shorter (in general), but much more violent. 

He's a danger to himself.

And to those of us around him.

But mostly, he takes his anger and frustration out on himself.

He punches himself in the head, chin, thighs.

He throws himself at furniture. 

He hits and kicks out. 

It's not nice to see him like that.

I think part of it is sensory seeking. 

The ferociousness of his selfharm. 

It's like he's trying to block out everything else through big sensory input, but instead, he's hurting himself, which he doesn't enjoy, so it's a never ending cycle. 

There are some things that work though. 

Like applying deep pressure to his head.

Rubbing his back really hard.

And his favourite: laying him down over my lap on his back, and letting him hang upside down off it. Like in the picture up there.

His speech is... hmm, I'd say it's not really come on to be honest. 

He'll say, "I wohh" (I want) off his own back, whenever he wants anything (funnily enough!), but he won't say what it is. Or say ANYTHING else for that matter, unless he's prompted. 

He can say "bye bye", "hiya", "please" etc, but won't bother unless he's prompted. 

And he only says the very basic version of the word, with no consonants, in general. 

He's mostly started sleeping through the night again now he's back at nursery.

There are still the days when he wakes at 3am for the day though. 

And most mornings he'll wake anywhere between 4.30am-6.30am. 

At least I've finally got into the habit of going to bed by about 10pm again now, otherwise I wouldn't be coping that well!

Still, it's better than him waking every night at 2.30am for the day! THAT was a nightmare, I can tell you!

So, in general? Things aren't amazing, but they're not horrible either. 

In regards to Max's autism at least.

If anyone has any ideas on how to get him to stop trying to harm himself, pleeease let me know! 

Hope you're all having a good weekend!

Monday was the start of the February break for my two. We braved the train to take them up to their dad's for a few days. I can't complain - Max had woken at about 3am that morning, so he was knackered enough to sleep most of the journey, and Zack was a star. As always!

Max has this thing about train stations, though. He hates them. He wants to be *on* the train, but not waiting for it, and definitely not getting off of it! 

Needless to say his dad and nan heard him well before they saw him!

Tuesday meant a jaunt to Hobbycraft with my mum and dad. Well, Dad was the chauffeur, among other things, while Mum and I got to ooh and ahh at everything around the place! I've never been in such a large place dedicated to art and crafting - it was bliss!

Wednesday saw a completely lazy day for me. I woke up of my own accord, at around half 9, and stayed in bed reading for an hour. Enjoyed a gorgeous lonnnnng shower, without the accompaning interruptions that usually occur when Zack ABSOLUTELY MUST tell me something STRAIGHT AWAY and open the door to the bathroom which lets all the heat out and freezes me. So that was just lovely! 

By Thurday I was looking forward to picking up my boys. 

It turns out that now they're sleeping well? It's a lot easier to be able to deal with them, even if one of us is having an off day!

It was an absolutely gorgeous day, and matched my mood! :)

Friday was a staying in day, as the boys (namely Max) were recovering from their much enjoyed (by Zack, at least!) trip "Up North", as we call it. 

Plus I had a tesco delivery due in the afternoon!

So I did some more doodling. Lettering. Letter... doodling? Either way, I'm loving Joanne Sharpe's Letter Love course, and have just started Rhomany's Whimsical Words course too. Yay! 

Ahhh the Saturday morning lie in... I've almost forgotten what it's like to have one that's uninterrupted. 

Mind you, they'd set up the netbook with some games that Max was giggling at while Zack played, so it wasn't too bad!

Oh! And I almost forgot last Sunday's photo:

My lil Rocky Cat likes to sleep on my head. No idea why! 

It's a rubbish photo, technically, but it may end up being the last photo I have of my not-so-wee friend, as he's been missing since Thursday night. 

SO unlike him. He's always - and I mean *always* - at the back door, first thing, mewing to get in, desperate to get fed. I can never get anything done until he's fed, as he'll do his damnest to trip me up and get in my way!

The fact that he's been away two mornings now is, really quite worrying. 

Here's hoping the wee bugger's just gone walkabout, or befriended a little old lady who's feeding him up and not the worst-case-scenarios that are going through my head. 

Way to end on a high note, eh? ;) 

Because I've been full of this stupid fluey-cold-thing and Max has been off all week with the same.

Oh, and it's minus the one that only went on instagram on Jan 31st, which I can't be bothered trying to find right now...

Zack is obsessed with Bumpeez right now... however they seem to now be sold out everywhere in Crieff! So we're back to him getting a magazine at the weekend if he's been good (i.e. got smiley faces monday-friday on our calendar).

The view I both love, hate, and cower at: 

Love it when I'm sleepy and I get to go to my bed.

Hate it when I'm enjoying a late one and know I *have* to go to bed.

Cower at when I stand stock-still, to listen out and see if Max is really asleep.

There's a story behind this... 

So this fluey cold I've had for TWO weeks now seems to have its perks. Namely I can't seem to stop myself from cleaning. 

I even cleaned my window... inside AND out. 

So I could take photos of the birds that like to lunch here.

Do you have ANY idea how bloody difficult it is to take a decent photo of these damn birds?? 

Seriously. 

I've given up now. 

Still, I got two cute photos.

And my window is now clean...

I've been finding Max here more and more lately... seems that this is one of his favourite places to get some peace and quiet to watch his iPad movies in peace...

Of course, when his big brother is around, that peace and quiet is rare to come by! Zack insisted on joining in... and who am I to say no, eh? 

So! That's been our week in pictures. 

I've even managed to... 

get on top of the laundry pile!!!!! 

That NEVER happens!

So... what have you been up to this week? 

When I picked him up from nursery on Friday, Max had had a Very Bad Afternoon.

He wasn't himself and generally was looking very tired and not his usual happy wee self.

Cue the coldy/sinusy thing I've had this week (THANK you for that, Tammy!! And... possibly Zack. *cough*) being passed on to the wee man.

So Saturday was a relatively quiet one.

Zack went to taekwondo, I spent the entire time cleaning like a woman possessed.

God knows where it came from!

I am now on top of the laundry, and the fronts of the washing machine and dishwasher look wonderfully clean!

Ok, honestly, Sunday was an even quieter day.

I figured out that my netbook wasn't broken, it's just that someone (I'm blaming Max, here) had switched the "wireless" button to off.

So once I'd realised that, I left Zack to play on Kizi, Max pottered in and out of the kitchen and living room with his precious iPad.

Asking "I wohhh" and pointing to milk, crisps, biscuits... peanut butter.

And occasionally just coming over to climb up on my lap and have a snuggle.

He's been pretty quiet over the weekend, taking himself up to bed, and a snot-fest had gathered by Sunday night.

So it was off nursery today.

Again with the barely noticing his existence in the morning, as he wanted to just stay in my bed with the iPad, youtube videos of Mortal Kombat (urgh), and his blankie.

After a snooze though... he's *much* chirpier.

Can't quite say the same for me, mind. Yay for sudafed... just sayin'.

Also? 

When did my Zack grow to be such a BOY??? Not a wee lad anymore... you should have seen the photo of him with the hoodie up. 

*sobs* 

Still, he comes over for cuddles a lot too. ;)

I mean, really, I guess I'm the only one who can answer that, and right now, I'm not so sure I know the answer.

I love my inspirational quotes, goodness knows if you follow me on Pinterest, you'll see just how much! 

I'm always good at giving advice, but it seems I'm not so good at taking it at the moment.

"Your desire to change must be greater than your desire to stay the same." 

Therein lies the problem.

I want to change - to get fitter, oh how wonderful that would be!

To make a dent in the laundry would be a plan right now to be honest.

I don't have the drive, the inclination, the want or need to change. 

Things are coasting along pretty well for us at the moment, and it's been pretty nice to have things being boring and predictable. 

I forget till people remind me, that my life isn't necessarily the easiest. Single parent, two young boys, Max's autism, his lack of sleeping (which MIGHT be getting better... he's slept all night through for A WHOLE WEEK NOW!!! That's me jinxed myself now, of course), not getting a chance to slack off and have someone take over.

I still do slack off though, it's just, that ends up meaning I get behind, simply *because* there's no one there to pick up where I left off.

And then, I don't really know how life is going to go. Particularly with Max. 

He's attempting to talk, when prompted, most of the time. 

However his speech is still very limited. 

Probably that of around a one year old. 

Someone who's just starting to learn how to say a few words here and there.

But he doesn't have the *need* to communicate with me in the way most children do with their parents.

Still, he's getting there. My beautiful boy.

I have no idea how much he's going to need me though, as life goes on. You know?

So.

Am I selfish to want to spend my evenings playing games, or watching tv, and generally not doing things to "better" myself with? 

I know the answer is really no. 

But I still feel guilty when I do something I enjoy, instead of something productive.

I should be learning something, bettering myself, doing some blasted housework. 

GETTING ORGANISED, basically. 

Which is something I am truly and utterly hopeless at.

Maybe it's time I looked for a PA... 

any takers?