So, it's been a while...

Though if you're a long time reader (are you still there? You deserve a medal or at least a massive thank you!) you'll know that I do tend to go AWOL at times. 

I guess I need the break to get back onto the bloggidy bandwagon.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to start writing again more regularly yet, mind. 

It's been a bit of a rollercoaster of sleepless nights, colds, more sleepless nights, and more colds since back in April.

By the time I've got the kids in bed, all I want to do is flop into my butt groove on the sofa with Kenzi and watch tv till bedtime. 

Criminal Minds has become a favourite, since they started it from the beginning on one of the Sky channels... I'm up to season 3 so far and it's pretty awesome!

I'd normally have written blogs during the day while the boys are at school and nursery, but if I'm not being sociable (who knew you could have Actual Friends outside the computer?!) with my friends, I'm going back to bed to catch up on sleep, so yeah... no blogging has been done of late.

The laundry is nearly caught up, but I'm doing bare minimum.

The thought of nearly 8 weeks of Summer Holidays is terrifying. 

Max never copes well with holidays, as I saw full on at Easter. 

No sleep equals a Very Difficult Max. 

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On the upside, Zack is in the midst of joining the Young Carers project in Perth, which he's really looking forward to. 

One night a week after school till 7.30pm he'll get to go have fun, meet new kids, run off his energy, and generally be a regular lil boy who doesn't need to worry about helping out Mum with his lil brother. 

I forget sometimes, how young he still is. 

He may be nearly 7 (6 weeks... eeek!), but he acts so much more intuitively than that. He's so expressive, empathetic, helpful... you know he actually decided that doing the dishwasher was his job and has stuck to it? 

Not to mention coaxing Max downstairs at 6am on the weekends to play xbox with him so his mama can catch up on a bit of sleep. Something that doesn't happen when I've been getting enough sleep, but at the moment that's not happening as much as either of us would like. 

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I've barely picked up my camera in the last 3 months.

It's actually been gathering dust.

Or at least, the bag has. There had better not be dust on my camera, though it'd be just my luck!

I miss it, but I don't miss lugging it around, you know?

It's just so much easier to whip out my phone, and it can take some pretty good photos, so long as the lighting is right...

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I keep wondering, what am I going to do with my life?

What do I want to be when I grow up?

All the people I know online who are happy with their work... I don't know how they do it without being completely exhausted.

I guess I'd love to get that "one million dollar idea", but I know that's hardly likely.

I got to be in the nursery on thursday morning for an hour to see how the speech therapist worked with Max, and it reminded me of how much I love working with little ones, but I have such low energy levels, I don't think I'd cope with being on my feet (and knees) all day.

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Oh but the things Max knows!!!

He can use his PECS book to make "I want" sentences, asking not just for the colour of the object, but whether he wants the big one or the little one, and even put all the colours down at once, asking for all the cars, instead of just one at a time! 

He slept through for 5 days last week, which made a big difference. Unfortunately it hasn't lasted.

His wee face while he was doing his "work time" with the PECS... oh he looked SO pleased that he could show me what he could do - I had to fight back the tears! 

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I have been reading blog posts, but through a reader, facebook or on my phone, and occasionally popping into twitter. Always on facebook, of course. 

The one place where I have everybody in one place. 

My internet friends, and my in-the-flesh friends. 

Definitely makes life easier to have it all in the one place!

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I guess this post is kind of a mish mash of things that have been happening, and things I've been pondering lately. 

One of those where I'm thinking I should come up with something to round up with, but can't really put anything together.

So instead, I hope you're all healthy and happy! 

I'm just going to keep on treading water for now, trying to look at the positives, and hope that Max will sleep through regularly again soon.

I think a black out blind is definitely needed asap!

*hugs*

(yes, even you... Sally!)

Sometimes autism is just plain HARD.

Really hard. 

Frustratingly, exhaustingly HARD.

The Easter holidays are NOT going well in the Softthistle household. 

Max is absolutely hating taking no for an answer. 

My normally happy lil guy has become so fractious that it's getting harder and harder to live with him at the moment. 

Thank feck for the following:

My mum and dad, who are there to talk to whenever I need it. Not to mention the hugs, and trips to KFC where my wee man can enjoy his popcorn chicken and go in a trance while we're in the car.

My friends who insist I go to their's any time Max is getting too much. Or come over to help out. Or insist on taking Max for a day and night next week so Zack and I can have a break (Sharon, I love youuuu!!! xxx).

The autism community online who are there with knowing messages of support and hints and tips. 

Rescue Remedy for keeping me from going completely round the bend. 

Melatonin that makes getting Max into bed at night so so much easier.

My Zackie boy who is the most understanding of his mum needing some quiet time once his wee brother is in bed and happily takes the iPad upstairs to play quietly on it in my room till his bedtime, not to mention the jokes he cracks, and the cuddles he gives me when he knows I need it. 

Kenzi my wee puppy girl who loves nothing more than snuggling up with me at the end of the day.

The cats who are endless sources of amusement when it comes to watching them interact with wee Kenzi (there's no escape now Kenzi's conquered the stairs!).

Did I mention my family and friends? 

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This is the hardest holiday we've had so far. 

We're only one week into it and I've been at the point of tearing my hair out so many times already. 

Max is melting down many times daily.

He's always at me, wanting me to get him things he knows he can't have, and then lashing out at me in anger and frustration. He just won't let things go. 

Not to mention the 3/4am wake ups.

It gets to about 3pm and I find my self nearly shaking in my boots (well, trainers) that I've still got four hours to go. 

I've taken to hiding in the loo just to get a bit of peace as it's the only room in the house he refuses point blank to go into. Unless he's being dragged in for a bath or shower. 

Their dad couldn't get time off to have the boys this holiday, so I've not got that bit of time to look forward to for a break.

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I don't think people realise how hard I find it sometimes. 

I'm generally really positive. 

And normally, life goes ok, all things considered. 

But holidays. 

Max out of his routine. 

Not being able to get a break at all?

That's f'ing hard.

Ten days to go till he's back to his nursery routine. 

I don't even want to think about how I'm going to cope over the summer holidays, except I know the boys will go to their dad's for a week then, so I know I'll have a break at some point. 

If only respite was easier to come by. 

Max is on the Child Health Team's list for an assessment for it, but they're so stowed out with people that it'll take months before he's allocated a social worker, and then no doubt it'll be a battle to get any respite whatsoever, if at all.

Best to try not to think about that bridge till it's time to cross it though, eh? 

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So yeah, basically life is pretty hard right now, Max is being very difficult, and I need copious amounts of chocolate sent, mkay? 

#autismsucks

Introducing Kenzi the Yorkie Pup!

So, last week I went with my friend who was picking up her new Yorkie baby girl, Angel, and I ended up getting Kenzi! 

She's the most adorable lil thing, such a character, little and cute and adorable... but most importantly, she doesn't shed! 

Max hasn't had any breathing problems so far, and is quite happy to put up with her in his space. 

Zack adores her and she him...

and of course I am completely in love!

She's settled in so well and knows who her mummy is. 

Baby pink is *totally* her colour, naturally!

I'm going to have to get some cute wee jumpers for her, after all... the weather up here can be so changeable and cold! Mum... you've been warned!!

She's 8 weeks old today, and due her second injection on friday. So after the weekend it's walkies here we come! 

So... hello from Kenzi! 

Hope you're all having a good Easter holiday so far!

How freeing it must be...

...to be able to fully show your emotions, at all times. 

Like my lil Max does. 

When he's happy, he's happy with his whole body! 

He smiles, he shrieks and giggles with laughter, he wiggles his bum and jumps about. 

You really can't help but join in when he's happy.

By the same token, when he's frustrated, or angry, or sad... he gets to let it all out. 

All of it. 

He can scream his head off, and throw things, and sob and it's ok for him to do this (though admittedly, it's not particularly enjoyable for any of us) because he has autism. 

He's always much better after a meltdown too.

If he's been having a difficult day, you can guarantee that a meltdown is coming, and that he'll have a wee sleepy spell after it, and then be right as rain. 

Just like I *need* to be able to vent to my mum, my friends, or even twitter to get my frustrations out and move on from them, Max needs to do the exact same thing. 

Like stamping his feet when he wants something and I tell him no.

(disclaimer: No idea where he got that from... can't possibly be an ingrained instinct that he got from his mum from what she used to do as a kid... not at *all* ahem...)

Or if he hurts himself, it's the end of the world and he'll sob and sob.

****

The thing is, when you're dealing with that amount of sheer emotional energy, it can be difficult to stop. 

Difficult to get yourself out of it. 

I'm pretty sure most of us have cried ourselves to sleep at least once in the past. 

I know that, when I was suffering from post natal depression, the only way I could escape was by eventually falling asleep, once I was all cried out. 

So it's hardly a surprise that when Max goes into a meltdown, it's hard to get him out of it. 

It's hard enough for a grown adult, so why on earth would it be easier for him? 

Especially when he has no speech, little understanding of what's being said to him, and no real concept of now, later, or then. 

****

 But still... however hard it is, it must also be such a release to be able to just let all that emotion get out on a regular basis. 

Instead of letting it eat away at you, which is the "allowed" thing to do in our society.

Because showing that you're anything but happy is a weakness. 

Or at least, that's how so many people perceive it. 

Yes... I think it must be quite freeing to be Max sometimes.

Sensory Seeking A-Go-Go! 63/366

So I've not really spoken much about Max's development recently. 

In fact, I've barely mentioned it in the last few months. 

I guess that's because things have kind of got onto an even (ish) keel here, so I've not had as much to talk about? 

Now let me just point out, that being on an even keel doesn't mean life is permanently rosy, it's just that Max is, mostly, pretty good. 

The meltdowns are shorter, and it's usually easier to distract him before he gets to The Point of No Return. 

Usually. 

Unless it's something that I can't back down from. 

He still hates the word "no" with a passion. 

"Later" isn't much better... as far as he's concerned, he wants something, and he wants it NOW. 

It doesn't matter how often I say "no", or try to change his focus to something else... he's a determined little b... erm... boy... when he wants to be!

Not that he could possibly get the stubbornness gene from me. *cough* 

The thing is, the meltdowns? They've become shorter (in general), but much more violent. 

He's a danger to himself.

And to those of us around him.

But mostly, he takes his anger and frustration out on himself.

He punches himself in the head, chin, thighs.

He throws himself at furniture. 

He hits and kicks out. 

It's not nice to see him like that.

I think part of it is sensory seeking. 

The ferociousness of his selfharm. 

It's like he's trying to block out everything else through big sensory input, but instead, he's hurting himself, which he doesn't enjoy, so it's a never ending cycle. 

There are some things that work though. 

Like applying deep pressure to his head.

Rubbing his back really hard.

And his favourite: laying him down over my lap on his back, and letting him hang upside down off it. Like in the picture up there.

His speech is... hmm, I'd say it's not really come on to be honest. 

He'll say, "I wohh" (I want) off his own back, whenever he wants anything (funnily enough!), but he won't say what it is. Or say ANYTHING else for that matter, unless he's prompted. 

He can say "bye bye", "hiya", "please" etc, but won't bother unless he's prompted. 

And he only says the very basic version of the word, with no consonants, in general. 

He's mostly started sleeping through the night again now he's back at nursery.

There are still the days when he wakes at 3am for the day though. 

And most mornings he'll wake anywhere between 4.30am-6.30am. 

At least I've finally got into the habit of going to bed by about 10pm again now, otherwise I wouldn't be coping that well!

Still, it's better than him waking every night at 2.30am for the day! THAT was a nightmare, I can tell you!

So, in general? Things aren't amazing, but they're not horrible either. 

In regards to Max's autism at least.

If anyone has any ideas on how to get him to stop trying to harm himself, pleeease let me know! 

Hope you're all having a good weekend!